


An Oath of Nirvana

by thefalconofthefall



Series: Spread the Wings [2]
Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend, Pocket Monsters SPECIAL | Pokemon Adventures
Genre: Advice, Confessions, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Melancholy, Mental Instability, Moving On, Nostalgia, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-10 16:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20855051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefalconofthefall/pseuds/thefalconofthefall
Summary: A month after the school's nearly lethal lockdown, Dr. Emma Esprit decides to tell the mother of the center of the event what truly happened.





	An Oath of Nirvana

**Author's Note:**

> I got super inspired on like, March to write this, and managed to crank it out within a few days or so.
> 
> Reminiscence: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-IBJ5vYQc8

“Ms. Esprit, we’re here,” the Noctowl caretaker announced next to me.

“Okay,” I mumbled.

She then left the car to get the wheelchair out, leaving me alone for a bit to my thoughts. Why am I coming out all the way here, a few days after my surgery? Why do I feel the need to come, even when I physically can’t by myself? When I heard her botherings to the school, I immediately promised to come visit her, but they never said to her that it was me who will do it, and in person too. And I haven’t seen her in over ten years either...she certainly won’t take it well. So why am I doing it? Just to torture myself even more?

The car door opened, and the Noctowl lady helped me onto my wheelchair, pushing me to the one story, simple looking white house. Had this been years ago, I would have been astonished on how such an extravagant couple would choose such a place, but I knew why. One of them is dead, and the other is dying. 

When we arrived at the simple brown door, I took a deep breath, shivering from the cold fall air or the fear, I didn’t know. My heart pounded loudly, possibly the loudest it ever has. The simple brown door stood in front of me, meaningless to an onlooker, but a threat to me.

Threat. For all my long, weary life, I never saw such a simple looking house door as a threat. They were always more of opportunities for money or food. Of course, this door can be seen as an opportunity, an opportunity of me to reveal my crimes to one more living soul of this world, to be punished by the authorities, or by this aching pain in my chest and head and constant tears.

“Ms. Esprit, do you want to leave?” the caretaker pushing my wheelchair asked. “You seem to be nervous.”

I could just say no. Yes, I can. I should. Neither she or I haven’t rang the doorbell yet, so it can’t be opened unless I do so myself. I can escape and go on my night, tossing and turning for sleep. But I know I can’t. It will continue tormenting me even more.

“Yes...yes this is it. Can you push me a little closer to the door, please?”

She did so, then I leaned over and pressed the doorbell. Instantly, I froze upon the realization of what I just did. I’m going to be talking to Trevor’s mother. Trevor’s mother is Malva Feh-Cedrinus. Malva was my superior. Malva and I had not talked with each other for over ten years. Malva most likely knew and hates me for what I did.

Before I could start panicking, the door opened, and I saw a thin and pale Malva, so much unlike her so many years ago. It’s clear that her eyes were constantly tired and weary, and the sight of me only brought more grief, from the unnerving fear I had never seen before in them. Her feathers were gray and unkempt, and she seemed to sag under an invisible weight on her shoulders, a complete opposite from when I last saw her, haughty yet well-groomed and proper. It’s clear that illness, grief, and motherhood had eaten away her vigor.

“Essentia, why are you here?” she asked in Kalosian, but it seemed less of a question and more of a dull statement. “And why are you in a wheelchair with a caretaker?”

I cleared my throat, looking down onto the ground. “I...have come to talk to you about...your son. I’ll explain later about–”

Her eyes lit up, and the fear vanished for a moment. “Oh thank Xerneas, Essentia! I was so worried! Of course, he could just be staying with Y for a while, but she wasn’t picking up, and maybe he decided to go work someplace far away, gods bless his soul–”

I suddenly felt I couldn’t breathe, and raised a wing. “Let’s...go in.”

The caretaker pushed me into the house, painfully slowly. Gods, my chest hurts...I wish it didn’t right now.

When she pushed me into the living room, I asked her to push me next to the ornate patterned couch then dismissed her, telling her I will call her when I’m done. When I left, I started looking around the room, hoping to ignore the pain in my chest. 

Malva clearly hadn’t lose her taste in the so-called fine things, with an old fashioned wallpaper of artistic flame patterns that now seem to be tearing apart in some parts, and the carpet below having an artistic portrayal of Yveltal, framed with legendary birds almost revered as saints. The table was of fine craft and agarwood, much fitting to her hometown, yet so deeply wrong to her now poorer status. For being born to such passionate parents with exquisite tastes, Cedrinus grew as a timid bird, with a preference to simplicity and no other aspiration than survival for himself and his mother. How the mighty family has fallen.

I stopped staring at the room when I saw Malva enter the room, hobbling to the couch before settling herself there. I tried to avoid looking at her, then started talking, before she interrupted me.

“You know looking at me isn’t going to help your case,” she said, and I can feel her eyes boring into my soul. “You clearly have something about Trevor and the lockdown, and it isn’t a good one.”

My chest seemed to close in, and fear started to gnaw at my stomach. “A-ah yes...w-well...y-you see…”

How can I even confess I was using her son to means to an end? Because I was asked to? She’s not going to forgive me at all for it. But leaving her in the dark will make her even more angrier…

“Lysandre asked you to, did he?” she demanded, and I noticed that she seemed to be ready to burst into flames. “He asked you to make his son bring _ his _ glorious future?”

“N-no!” I hesitated. “N-not exactly?”

Malva glared at me, ready to burn me into ashes. “Explain. **Now**.”

I looked down on the pretty carpet, trying to think my next words. Then I found a way to speak in the shortest yet simplest terms possible. “Lysandre asked...to grant Trevor...a wish. Any wish. He regretted...not being a proper father...and he knew Trevor...wouldn’t ask for anything. So he asked...me, to fulfill his wish.”

I took a deep breath, and looked into Malva’s eyes, which suddenly had become tired and defeated. “And that wish was...to bring peace between humans and birds. I granted it, and gave him...the Charon Virus. He proved to be a successful carrier when he was in the same room as Gabena, but then...”

Malva groaned in frustration, but I wasn’t surprised. Malva’s an extremely smart woman, she most likely knew all about this years before, and made sure that Trevor and Gabena would never know who I was. “I knew it. I knew you did it. A Honchkrow woman saving him and Y that day and granting them their wishes...that had to be you.” 

I saw flames rise in her skin, as she continued, “And then you twist such an innocent, pure wish into that godsdamned man’s and that godsdamned Party’s own agenda, not giving a fuck you just killed an innocent girl, and traumatized an overworked, too sweet for his own godsdamned good fledgling.”

Of course. Of course I knew all of that. Yet it still stung. Malva truly has changed from the years. Looking at her now is like looking at a cracked mirror, only repeating the parts you have already seen, never guiding you to somewhere else. Perhaps that would be accurate to describe me right now.

She sighed in defeat, the flames gone. “So where is he now,” she stated more than asked, the dullness in her voice clearly hiding her despair.

I cleared my throat. “He’s...in a cyronic freezer, currently asleep. The party and scientists funded by Norman Petalburg are trying to find a cure to the Charon virus. He’s alive, don’t worry. And we’re also working on restoring Gabena Yvonne’s brain, and there is progress to make a vessel for her ghost, which was recently discovered, to temporarily inhabit.”

Malva sighed in deep relief, though it’s clear she’s still worried. “That’s good to know...especially Y coming back to life, temporarily at least. But when do you think Trevor will be awake?”

As much as this was expected, I couldn’t help but feel surprised. I had just took away her precious son _ and _ his best friend and possibly love, and this is the only thing she could ask. And I don’t even know if I have the answer either.

“Possibly in a year and some months,” I responded. “We seem to have many scientists working on this, and they have made quite a bit of progress within a month.”

She sighed in deep relief even more. “That’s good...hopefully I’ll still be alive to see him.”

“I hope so too,” I repeated, but my words sound hollow. “And I hope to aid you with that by providing my funds to support you for as long as needed.”

I don’t know why I said that. Malva’s an insanely stubborn bird. She refused my help when she fallen ill, left alone at home with only her young son and several neighbors. But perhaps she would see better now she’s truly alone.

She scoffed. “Well of course I’ll need your money, I want to be able to live long enough to see him of course, and hopefully evolved.” Her eyes went sad, looking at her aged body. 

I shuddered when I remembered that he had evolved because of Gabena’s death. “Erm, yeah...about that….”

I can feel her hoping she could pierce a fatal hole into my soul right now. “He evolved without _ me _ knowing!?”

“Y-yeah? He was under extreme stress…”

Because of me. Now the pain in my chest hurts even more. Malva used to talk about what celebration she would throw when her children evolved, even giving me a grand one when I couldn’t understand why it matters so much of it. Now I robbed her of that right to be able to see her son, fully grown.

Malva sighed once more, rubbing her head. “Of course he did...but oh well. As long as I know I will see him fully grown.” She then glanced down at my wheelchair. “But I do want to know how you got into that_ . _”

My heart started pounding even more. Why is she asking me that? I just took her son and his best friend. Is she pitying me? How pathetic. 

“Er...i-i’s a very long story, b-but to make it short...one of the birds...a professor...who found out about my plan for your...son...attacked me.”

She nodded solemnly. “Ah, I see. They seem to hold a huge grudge against you.”

I laughed awkwardly, trying to not remember her deadly serene face. “Ahahaha...you have no idea.”

She grimaced and nodded, seeming to understand that this was an uncomfortable topic for me. Awkward silence reigned in the room, leaving me alone to my shock. Even though her appearance says it all, her gentler words still surprise me. Had this been ten year ago, she would have started scolding me with a quiet but deadly voice, then start yelling at me until she goes hoarse, thanking the forces above for my misfortune while she was at it. After that, she would hold a grudge against me that most likely would end in my immolation. She certainly is pitying me.

Before I could my beak, she said, “Yes, I know that I’m a lot more softer than I was before, Essentia. Even I’m a little surprised I hadn’t tried to kill you yet, but don’t take it as my pity.” She sighed once more, then looked up. “But all these years, slowly wasting away in my bed, I realized that my life is too short to hold a grudge. Cursing at those who wronged me, and who wronged the birds in the past won’t leave me anything but even more bitter and heavy, so I just...let go. I have the certainty that I will see my son again, all grown up, and that I will see Lysandre again and beat the shit outta him, either metaphorically or literally. That’s what keeps me going, because I know that when I die, I’m going to be free of burden and fly as freely I can.” 

Even though Lysandre was infamous for being neglectful to his family back at the office, I was still surprised she would say such things despite her devotion to him. Ah...how much I’m an idiot to not see it so clearly now. Even Malva, in her long-time fervor for the Party’s ideals, realized her mistakes. And a fool I am, to mimic that grave flaw of his that made his dear wife hate him now. 

“The years truly have changed you, hadn’t it, Malva?” I asked.

She nodded, a wry grin on her face. “Yes...as much as I’m dying now, at least I can embrace this change. Ah...how wrong I was back then. The state you are in now is partially caused by my mistakes too, and of the poor lot life has given to you. You should embrace change too, Essentia. It’s clear that stagnancy now has left you broken, both in spirit and body.” She sighed mournfully. “The past was a wonderful time, but it has left long ago. I know you still pine for Lysandre, Essentia.”

I nearly choked on my own spit. “W-what!?”

She laughed in amusement. “You think that I haven’t noticed the look in your eyes whenever you see him? Besides, he seems to be a great and charismatic bird.” She then looked at me solemnly, her eyes full of fear. “And it seems to me that he may have been exploiting it in a way that is destructive for you, in the past and now.”

My heart started pounding even more. I never thought of it as...destructive. Is she actually saying Lysandre was only using me for something, not caring I would suffer for years? But Malva’s a resentful, extremely devoted wife to him, it’s possible she’s thought of this to rationalize why he left her alone at home with his son the few years after they were married.

She sighed, shaking her head. “But we shouldn’t ponder on what had happened in the past. We can only lay out what we truly know of from it to move onto the future. But my point is, you can’t keep living your life for him, Essentia. You’re not Lysandre, you’re you. You need to let go of your attachment for him. There are plenty of people out there for you to befriend and maybe fall in love. And besides, you’re going to be old soon. Do you really want to die, thinking all you did was for a dead bird?”

Her words made me feel so pathetic, like a stupid child. Her resemblance to Cedrinus also made it worse, as if he woken up and told me his words of wisdom again, after I was knocked onto the ground, left to his mercy and his allies. All these years...just trying to make the constant talks of Lysandre on his children doing great things, continuing his legacy of bringing “beauty” to the world, a reality. I was so desperate and blind to believe it, too blind in my mad love to see how deeply wrong that such reality was, how I may have been used all along. But then...it seemed so right, so logical. The only way to bring beauty is to remove the ugly creatures that once oppressed all of us. But I left more ugly scars than beauty, and it now gnaws at me, even though it already had eaten up much of my precious years away. 

“...No, I don’t.”

She smiled. “Good. Now, I know these words may be hard to follow, it was hard for me too when I realized that, but I know you well, Essentia. Even when life smacks you in the face with blindness and flightlessness, you still managed to carve a name out of yourself and rise from a homeless orphan to a wealthy doctor who serves the best school in the entire world. Your spirit may be in pain now, but it will recover, and be stronger and better than ever.”

For the first time since I talked with her, the pain lessened, making me feel lighter. “R-really?”

“You doubt yourself too much, Essentia,” she laughed. “You really don’t see how far you’ve come, do you?”

“Well yes, I’m living comfortably, but it was just luck–”

“You can say luck, but I call it pure will,” she interrupted, a proud grin on her face. “Had you decided to take your life, you would have never come this far. While yes, you did spend those years trying to deliver a flawed vision of a dead bird, you already went through many trials while at your old home, the streets, and the loss of your short-lived family. This is just another obstacle you’ll overcome eventually. And in the end, when you overcome it and live the life of your own choice, you will die, feeling lighter than ever.”

Another obstacle...to overcome. She’s right...but this isn’t like all the others. This was what had eaten up most of my adult life, leaving me the shorter way on the top of the hill, before I inevitably fall down the other side. She’s only saying this out of her pity.

“But don’t expect to do it alone, Essentia,” she continued. “You’ll have to make peace with those you wronged that still breathe, and that will take much time, or never be accomplished at all while you’re alive. But you will accomplish it eventually, if you never make the same mistakes again. The knowledge that you tried to move away from your past crimes will be satisfying enough, that you will be able to fly one day, free of burden.” 

To make peace...with Trevor. With Berlitz. With Higure, with Masayoshi and Kessho, and–

She nodded. “Yes, I know it’s hard. But you must take that chance.” She then laughed sorrowfully. “There’s enough fools like me around…so please, Essentia...promise me that you will try to carve your own life, free from guilt.”

A promise...a promise that I will have to labor years and years for, maybe never fulfilling it ever. Her skinny, ghostly pale body reminds me so much of him, in his deathbed, asking me the exact same thing...but I know deep down, she was right. Even if she’s probably only pitying me, she was right.

I nodded. “Yes, Malva. I promise.”

She smiled, brighter and happier than before. “Good. Now go call back the nurse, Essentia. And thank you...for everything.”

**Author's Note:**

> Here’s a fandom gripe of mine and food for thought: why is Shuu (Emma’s counterpart) and Ryuuji (Lysandre’s counterpart) shipped together, considered “cute and tragic”, and have the most fics out of all of Shuu’s ships on AO3 (granted quite a bit is one-sided on Shuu’s part), while if I pair Lysandre with Emma (even though it’s clear that it’s definitely not healthy at all), it’s “creepy and pedophillic” and I’m a supporter of it? Is it because it’s gay, Shuu’s a guy or a dick? This is the same fandom who had sent death threats to Hitori fans (not joking, it’s on TV tropes and probably on Hato Moa’s tumblr) by the way. But to be fair, that sounded like an older part of the fandom that no one wants to deal with now. 
> 
> Still, the fandom's attitude contributed to my dislike of Ryuuji, along with other narrative and personal reasons. As much as I hate Shuu, I do feel sorry he had to be stuck with that dude if he was abused, which seems very likely since the Hawks are awful. Not helping Ryuuji got married, has a son, and then ignores them as his wife take cares of a kid and growing weaker. Maybe he fell out of love with his wife since she's too much to care for, maybe he's insecure about being a good dad, or maybe he thinks humans make good lab rats. I don't know, but I'm not going to let a guy who doesn't bother to remember his fucking son's birthday and fucking up his kid's life in one scenario on accident (or not?) go off easy. 
> 
> Whatever view I may express in the future of the relationship of Emma and Lysandre in this AU is not definitive, it's supposed to be ambiguous. All that I'll say that is canon is that Lysandre is not as nice as Ryuuji is made out to be in the original games because he actually believes in the Staraptors' ideals and their radical ways. It's a lot more interesting than dorky, airhead, deadbeat dad Ryuuji who never gets his motives of why he's in the party explained.


End file.
